Actual Labels
On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning! May cause drowsiness.”
Instructions on an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
It’s commonly said that men often think with their eyes and women with their heads. Here’s a good example of that:
A guy and a girl crash into each other on the road. Both their cars are totally trashed, but the two of them crawl out of the wreckage unharmed.
The girl walks up to the guy and says, “You know? Our cars are both trashed, but we are both not hurt. This must be a sign that we must spend the rest of our lives together!”
Because she is strikingly beautiful, the guy answers, “I definitely agree!”
The girl then searches the wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of potent whisky. She smiles at the guy and says, “Because of this sign, we should celebrate our lives coming together!”
Once again, because she is strikingly beautiful, the guy answers, “I definitely agree!”
So she unscrews the bottle and gives it to the guy. He downs half the bottle and then passes it to the girl who, not drinking any, throws it away.
So the guy, dizzy and drunk, asks, “I thought you wanted to celebrate?”
The girl answers, “No, I’m going to wait for the cops to get here.”
A lawyer questions a police officer on the witness stand:
Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes for duty?
A: “Yes sir, we do.”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
Dec. 31, 10:00P. Jesus and Satan make a wager for all the souls on the planet. The first to finish a huge computer program wins.
10:30P. Jesus takes a slight lead.
11:00P. Satan catches up.
11:30P. Satan takes a slight lead.
12:00A. Y2K strikes, both computers crash. Satan turns his computer on and finds that everything is gone. Jesus turns his computer on, puts in a disk and resumes his work. Satan asks why he (Jesus) didn’t lose his work. The reply was, “I’m surprised you ask. You of all people should know that Jesus saves.”