Hymns for Drivers

45 mph……………..God Will Take Care of You

55 mph……………..Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

65 mph……………..Nearer My God to Thee

75 mph……………..Nearer Still Nearer

85 mph……………..This World Is Not My Home

95 mph……………..Lord, I’m Coming Home

and over 100 mph…….Precious Memories

Things to do During Boring Sermons

• See if a yawn really is contagious
• Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
• Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes
• Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
• Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone
• Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room
• Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed
• Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn
• Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more,” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?” The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could’ve ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”