One Liners

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.

If your left hand doesn’t know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

Some minds are like concrete; thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

I don’t know why some people change churches. After all, what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.

An observation of the unsaved at their own funeral: all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”

If God is your Copilot – swap seats!

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up a congregation: “And in conclusion.”