There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.”

 

Three hermits are living together in a cave. One day a horse runs by the mouth of the cave. One year later the first hermit says, “Did you guys see that white horse run by the mouth of the cave?” A year goes by. The second hermit says, “That wasn’t a white horse. That was a black horse.” Another year goes by. The third hermit says, “I gotta get out of here, I just can’t stand all of this bickering!”

 

 

A preacher, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference that helped encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One of them boldly approached the pulpit. After  gathering the entire crowd’s attention, he said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The humor-impaired preacher decided he’d use that joke next week in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that next Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally gave up trying to remember and blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

 

A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and gave them the finger and shouted: “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, “You think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

 

There once was a little frog who wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. His name was Kermit Jagger.

He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, “Hi, I’d like to take out a loan to fix up my pad.”

The teller replied, “You need to see our loan officer. Her name is Patricia Black.”

So the frog hops over to the loan officer’s desk and sits down. When Patricia arrives she asks, “What can I do for you?”

The frog says, “I’d like to take out a loan to fix up my pad.”

Patricia asked, “What do you have for collateral?”

After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer, the frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small white elephant.

“This is a very unusual form of collateral.” said Patricia. “I’ll have to check with our bank president to see if it’s ok.”

Patricia goes to the president and says, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who wants a home loan and this white elephant is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?”

The bank president takes the small white elephant and after carefully examining it, hands it back to Patricia and says, “It’s a nick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”