5 signs you’re at a bad baptism

• The Coast Guard is involved.
• Pastor wears scuba gear.
• The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
• Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
• As the baptism begins, the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”

 

A lady came into the drug store and said to the pharmacist, “I need to buy some cyanide so I can kill my husband.” The pharmacist replied, “I can’t sell you cyanide to kill your husband.” The lady left and came back the next day with a picture that she handed to the pharmacist. It was a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist then replied, “You should have told me you had a prescription.”

 

The receptionist is shocked and surprised when a nun runs out of the doctor’s office, absolutely bawling. Concerned and curious, she asked the doctor what had happened to make her so upset. “Oh, nothing. I just told her she was pregnant.” The receptionist gasped. “But doctor! That’s impossible! I mean, she’s a nun!” “Yeah, I know,” the doctor replied, “but it sure cured her of the hiccups!”

 

A high school English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she.” One of the students raised her hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one; females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn’t want to run back into town. So being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?”

A voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint, and thin no more!”