A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Kill any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “There were 3 on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.”

 

 

 Things said by church kids

• 3-year-old, Reese: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
• A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
• A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

 

You know something is wrong when

• You call someone to get their phone number.
• You too a ruler to bed to find out how long you slept.
• You try to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
• You try to drown a fish.
• You trip over a cordless phone.
• You study for a blood test.
• You went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left,” and you turned around and went home.

 

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, “Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And as preparation, I should like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose and said, “Now, then, all of you who have done as requested and read Mark 17, please raise your hands.”

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, “You are exactly the people I need to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark!”

 

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside heaven’s gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him

St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” The couple sat and waited for an answer. As months went by, they began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wondered. The man pondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat weary. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in heaven.” “Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “Come on!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

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Happy New Year!