A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

 

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 43 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1971. Why?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

 

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the music director and the pastor get into it, stand back.

For instance, one week the pastor preached on commitment and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The choir selected “I Shall Not Be Moved” as the final hymn.

Next week the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir selected “Jesus Paid It All” as the final hymn.

Next week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The choir selected “I Love To Tell The Story” as the final hymn.

Next week the pastor being disgusted over the situation, told the congregation that he was considering resignation. The choir selected “Why Not Tonight” as the final hymn.

Then the pastor resigned the next week and told the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was now leading him away. The choir selected “What A Friend We Have In Jesus” as the final hymn.

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back.”

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a few of days. What d’ya say?”

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later… St. Peter got a call.

“Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts dude has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”