Son to his mother: ”Why am I so bad at math?”

The mother’s reply: “Well you see, son, there are basically three kinds of people in this world— those who can count & those who can’t”.

 

A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class on the nativity and asked if anybody could tell her the name of the virgin who gave birth to Jesus.

Immediately, a little girl’s hand shoots straight up. She excitedly shouted, “I know, I know.”

The Sunday school teacher looked toward the girl and asked her to tell the class.

Very proudly the little girl said, “The king James virgin.”

 

A New teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, ”Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”

After a several seconds, little James stands up. The teacher said, ”Do you think you’re stupid, James?

James replied: ” No, ma’am, but I just hate seeing you standing there by yourself.”

 

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.  With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

 

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made, and of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played by far. I must’ve been inspired from above. My drives were long and true; my irons were accurate and purposeful; and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”