Seven signs you joined the wrong church
1. There’s an ATM in the lobby
2. Karaoke Worship Time.
3. The church bus has gun racks.
4. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-
pastor.
5. The Bible they use is the “Dr. Seuss Version.”
6. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. — “Bring Your Own Snake.”
7. Ushers ask, “Smoking or Non-smoking?”
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the “uppity”. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, a deacon, worried about the church’s image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help.
The man said, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer.
The next Sunday, the man returned.
The deacon asked, “Did you get a different answer?”
The man replied, “Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don’t want me in that church and the Lord said, ‘Don’t worry about it son; I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and haven’t made it yet.’”
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. “What’s going on here?” He asked.
“This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!” one of the crowd responded.
“Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
“Aw, c’mon, Father,” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make a point here!”
Bill and Janine, an elderly Christian couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time.
The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted – I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.”
Bill turns to Janine and asks, “Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?” and Janine replies, “Of course.”
“Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?”
“Of course.”
“Janine, did we pay our tithe this week?”
“Oh no, I forgot to write the check this week.”
“Thank Heaven,” says Bill. “They’ll find us for sure!”
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a skilled samurai.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!” The emperor then asked the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a little fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That too is very impressive!” Then the emperor asked the Jewish samurai to enter and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew the smallest gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious. But why is that gnat not dead?”
The Jewish Samurai smiled and quietly replied, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”