One Liners
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
The Weather Report
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But afterwards, being a practical leader, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at the National Weather Service again replied, “It’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”
A Smart Move
There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally, the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.