Dear Diary,

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane, energy-efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and that I still hadn’t paid him.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up… and I have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. “Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!”

 

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

After 40 years of good service a Methodist preacher dies and goes to heaven. As he waits at the gate, there is only one person in front of him. St. Peter comes back from his coffee break and asks the man in front of the preacher, “Are you the New York cab driver named Steve?”

He answers “yes” and St. Peter says, “Oh we’ve been waiting for you!’’ The gates swing open, and the cab driver is given a pair of golden wings, a huge halo and a golden staff. As he enters, a huge reception of angels sings to him.

St. Peter then turns to the Methodist preacher and says, “Hello there John, come on in.” The gates swing open and the preacher is given a cotton robe, a pair of tiny wings and a wooden crook.

The preacher goes “Hang on a minute! I’ve been working for forty years as a preacher, and he’s just a cab driver! What’s going on?”

St. Peter says, “Look, we reward for production. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.

 

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, “What the heck was that for?”

She replied “Your horse called.”